a glimpse into mama hell

In the early evening Beloved Spouse calls from work to ask me which dinner I would like him to bring home for me from the school dining room, fish or pasta. I choose pasta; he asks if I am sure I don't want fish. He says he'll be home in half an hour; with relief in my sights I mark the time. Our son spits at me, eyeing me for reaction. At least today he is not biting.

Beloved Son, aged nearly two, spits in my face yet again, then as I move to put him into a time out he flings a tiny metal car at my head, laughing lightly. He is so adorable. On Mondays and Fridays we don't have day care for our son. Those are long days for me. Parenting is not coming naturally or easily. If we can be outside all day then it's not so bad.

"Time out! No spitting, no throwing things at people," I say futilely. I've got him seated on the floor, my hands on his little hips, his back to me. My son won't sit still. He wriggles and giggles and wrenches himself around to spit at me again. He's so cute. I perceive the little droplets of my son's spittle as absolutely vile, and am ashamed. Quickly I let the moment go and try to have fun while we wait for Papa. Spitting, laughing, my repeated failures at giving an effective time out, a few minutes of pleasant play, then more spitting. Little elbows in my sore boobs. Little sneakers digging into my thighs. Sprays of spit. I am in toddler nightmare.

Beloved Spouse comes in the door nearly an hour after he called, excited about some deer he saw in our yard. He's forgotten to bring me supper, but asks me to look for it in the car anyway, as I leave to do night chores. It's misty out and moonlit. The dead wet leaves rustle against my shoes and pants. The horse whickers as I pour her kibble and grain into the tub. The chickens coo and murmur as I lock them in and retrieve the day's last egg. I feel crazy as I open and shut the car doors, looking for the plastic container of food that isn't there.

Inside, Spouse and Child are enjoying a harmonious half hour before bath and bed. I try to stay with them but lose my marbles and have to go into another room. The most awful thoughts are raining through my aching head.

smokety smogalicious

Our new neighbor has set up a wood fired boiler to heat their scabby old trailer that they hauled into the lot, and I am fairly sure that they occasionally burn their garbage. Sometimes, like this morning, when the weather is just right, the blue-ish smoke makes a haze in our valley and it is very unpleasant to be outdoors at all until the smoke clears. Once this summer I was out in our yard playing with my son and the poisonous smelling smoke was just pouring out towards us in a great dispersing cone, filling the air with opaque stink, making it intolerable to be outdoors. I grabbed my son and went indoors as fast as I could. This morning I felt unpassive, so went and knocked on this neighbor's door to inquire. Despite my snarky comment about the trailer, I do have the capacity for great tact and charm, and I tried to aim this at her today. I told her that sometimes the smoke smells really bad, not at all like wood. She did not invite us in but stood there with the door open, cigarette smoke wafting out of the trailer. "It's all legal," she rasped, and pointed to the many piles of wood that they have around the boiler. "Maybe it's the So-and-So Family next door." Now, I lived through September 11th and know what burning plastic smells like. I've asked several of our other neighbors and they all have noticed the smoke, but almost no one wants to address the problem because the neighbor has a reputation as a difficult person.

Baby roaring & biting my leg; gotta go. Stay tuned for the unfolding story.

http://www.dec.ny.gov/about/631.html

gimme your stuff

There is a web group called "Gimme Your Stuff" that facilitates international swaps of place-based treats. Generally I can offer American goodies like magazines, cosmetics, candy, snacks, tea and spices. Specifically, I can offer things related to Lake Placid NY and the Adirondacks, notably maple candy. Looking forward to playing with you!